What if?
by babybel
Summary: What if? is the question everything thinks about. Even Smithy and Kerry


This fan fiction is based on the song 'What if?' by Kate Winslet. I do not own this song or the characters in this fan fiction.

The story begins on the 24th December 2005; it is Smithy's second Christmas without Kerry.

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Smithy sat in his office; it was filled with Christmas decorations, tinsel, and lights. These decorations were meant to bring happiness to those who saw it but in Smithy's eyes it just proved how commercialised the festive season was becoming. Frankly he just wished that the season would pass quickly, for Smithy it signalled loneliness and pain as this was a time spent with loved ones but every person he loved had slipped from his grasp. Working through Christmas didn't bother him; in fact it took his mind off things. In this year he had experienced more turbulence than ever before, he had only started coming to terms with Kerry's murder when it was revealed that she was murdered and sexually assaulted by David Kent. The whole event ripped open his healing wounds and made them bleed with heartache again. If that wasn't all the heartache, the whole Louise situation was happening in the midst. He did love her, she was not a substitute for Kerry but she caused him so much suffering it was impossible to compare the two. Smithy always knew that Kerry would win outright to every girl he would meet, and it was something that he had to accept. Accepted but not forgotten he kept a framed photo of the two of them on his desk. Kerry had her hair down and it rested upon her shoulders, her arms around Smithy they held each other in a friendly embrace. To Smithy the picture signified how much their love shone through, after everything that had happened they were still able to love, care and cherish each other.

Taking one last look at the picture he held it and kissed Kerry just like he did every night, he liked to think that she was looking down on him, protecting just like a guardian angel. Putting it down he grabbed his jacket and walked to the door, closing it behind him. Yvonne and Honey were leaning against the wall, and Honey had a bale of mistletoe in her right hand, going over to Smithy who was approaching them she held it up high and gave him a peck on his cheek.

"Merry Christmas Sarge!" Honey giggled,

"Thanks Honey, Merry Christmas to you to" Smithy said rather embarrassed, this was clear just by looking at the colour of his cheeks.

"Getting tanked up tonight then Smithy?" Yvonne asked,

"I most certainly am!" He smirked, moving his eyebrow.

The three of them walked through the station to the backyard where they were meeting the rest of the relief, just breathing caused clouds of mist when they stepped outside. Pulling on her woollen gloves, Laura linked Rogers arm and they walked pulling each other tight

Arriving at the pub the group split into two, half got a round in and the rest occupied tables. Smithy brought over a tray filled with glasses of drink, putting it down he sat on a seat and picked up a pint of lager, sipping the top.

The night was passing quickly but it just never seemed to go as well as it used to something was missing.

"It's not the same anymore is it. I mean nothing much is the same, works not as good as it used, nothing is as good," Honey said looking into her glass.

"What do you mean Honey? Smithy asked,

"Well things were different when Kerry was here, I mean we would be pissing ourselves laughing and probably drunk out of our brains" She replied.

Smithy didn't say anything he just sat there in silence, thinking about what Honey had said.

Yvonne reached down for her bag and pulled out a photo, in the photo Yvonne, Kerry and Honey were drinking having a laugh.

Taking the photo Honey said

"This is how it should be, she should be alive, with us, and it's a life wasted"

"Her life wasn't wasted, I mean can you say she is a waste of a friend, can I say I wasted love on her, no because she weren't I waste" He whispered to them.

Yvonne moved her hand onto Smithy's and felt him clamming up.

He carried on…

"They say if you wish hard enough your dreams will come true, so if I wish that Kerry would come back would she, no!" He couldn't understand why but anger built up inside of him, aware of prying eyes he got up, grabbed his coat and left.

Arriving at his house he stomped through and stood in front of the mirror, staring at the man before him he wiped his face with his sleeve and cursed himself. His blood was pumping to his head fast it hurt, thinking that nothing would change just by praying she would return he went to sleep.

Waking up in the morning he was fully aware what day was, not expecting post he by passed the door. He yawned and stretched his body pouring himself a cup of coffee, just as he went to lift his cup he noticed an envelope. Instantly noticing the distinctive writing he dropped his cup to the floor, spilling it all over him. He felt a burning sensation tingling every part of his body but that didn't matter, what mattered was what was in this letter. Opening the letter he read it…

My Darling Smithy

Here I stand-alone  
with this weight upon my heart  
and it will not go away

For some time now I have been thinking about my love for you and it plays heavy on my mind, no matter how hard I try it wont go away. But don't think I want it to; I still love you though you may find it hard to believe, what with me being up here and all.

In my head I keep on looking back  
right back to the start  
wondering what it was that made you change

In all the time I was on earth I could never understand how you loved me like you did. Looking back to the beginning when we met, I was attracted to you through lust but then that same lust turned into overwhelming. I always loved you Smithy but I was scared of telling you, due to the way I treated you. I wondered why you changed; I mean how could you love me after all I put you through. My mum thinks your wonderful and now her days are filled with endless talk on you, (Yes she's up here with me). You're a real gentlemen Smithy.

**Well I tried  
but I had to draw the line  
and still this question keeps on spinning in my mind**

**Im still after all this time wondering why you love me like you do, and if im lucky I might get to find out. That's not the only thing I wonder about, I always contemplate the same thing every time I see you, and Smithy I see you all the time up here.**

**What if I had never let you go  
would you be the man I used to know?**

**If none of this had happened would we be together still? I mean where would we be, would we be happy. In fact I know that I would be happy because I'd be with you, my knight in shining armour. I can't believe my dad told you that he's soo embarrassing! I mean if we were together would you be like the Smithy I used to know?**

If I'd stayed  
if we'd tried  
if we could only turn back time  
But I guess we'll never know

If I stayed on earth how would things be? I mean could I tame you! Maybe if we tried earlier on to make a go of it instead of chickening out would we have progressed or would it have gone belly up? I wish we could turn back time and see what would have happened but I guess we'll never know.

Many roads to take  
some to joy  
some to heartache  
anyone can lose their way

I have been faced with many decisions; many paths I have to take and making them decisions were never easy. Some of them decisions were happy ones, like when I decided to face up to my love for you. But some were not so happy, my decision to confide in Cameron about my rape. I don't blame him but I just wish he understood how I felt. I'd get confused and would go off the rails when pondering on these thoughts.

And if I said that we could turn it back  
right back to the start  
would you take the chance and make the change

If I were to say to you that we had a chance, right now to make things right, would you? If we could take things back to the very beginning would you. Would you risk everything for me to change our lives?

As my mum said to me 'Dreams can come true if you wish hard enough'.

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Thanks for reading, shall i leave it there or continue? Please r+r 


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